I Ate Dinner Alone Last Night

-----It’s a curious condition, something we all have, and something I don’t want anymore—human emotion: why bother having it? If it weren’t for love, there wouldn’t be any hate, if it weren’t for happiness, there wouldn’t be despair, if it weren’t for peace, there wouldn’t be any war.
-----It’s been a rare occasion until as of late and there is nothing lonelier then a dinner table with empty seats. As I set my own table, and sat there in solitude, I couldn’t help but think, “For how much longer I will sit alone, for how much longer I will be by myself, and how much longer will I have a place to call home?” I’ve taken so much for granted—every blessing disregarded—because at that moment I was only thinking of myself. Did it occur to me at all that when I leave this wonderful home God has so blessed me with to go on and do my own thing that I won’t be the only one saying goodbye? Did I consider the feelings of those whom I claim to love and how my lack of existence would impact their lives? What would the world be like if I was to suddenly disappear; a better place perhaps? Questions. . . Is that all I can do? The minutes slowly drifted across my little rift of time; I pondered further, to try and come to a close, the last 18 years of my life. . . Was it all worth it?
-----WAKE UP! I cried inside! Don’t you understand that this isn’t the end? You aren’t losing anything but why do you feel and see your world falling apart? Hold on to your emotions! Don’t let go! They make you who you are. . . Why are you in despair? Every bite was bitter sweet, painful, depressing. I couldn’t stand to think of a world without love because I realized that even though there is pain and misery I truly wouldn’t have any other way. It’s the pain that makes me stronger, faster, better. It’s love that I want most. . . But can’t have. . . Because I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve my wonderful family, my wise parents, my fun-loving siblings, my encouraging friends. Hell and damnation is what I deserve! Lord I cannot fathom why you would love such a monster. Amazing was all that I could think of then. Although I live in a world full of imperfection, lies, deceit , dirty looks, and the things people use to say—it’s the curve that made my confidence crash—I still serve a God who will always love me no matter what and the only thing He asks in return is that I love Him back. I was so selfish. . . This is your life and it’s been all but ordinary; now sit inside your wall of shame leaving what’s forgotten, you make it so hard to find a world, a home, you can call your own.
-----My plate was now empty but the chair in front of me no longer was. I began to imagine my siblings sitting there sharing a coke, my parents sharing their wisdom, and my best friends sharing their dreams. I than understood that I wasn’t alone anymore and that I never was because no matter what my family will always love me and my friends will always be there. If not, I know for sure there is one person who will always be there for me: Christ Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. I began to feel the comfort of His spirit within me, and the strength of His words as I reminisced their meanings. No longer was I afraid, no longer did I have doubt, and no longer did I feel alone. I used to feel that my efforts in friendships were in vain, that my involvement in the lives of the people around me was worthless, because every time you say hello that means you’ll have to say goodbye and that’s something I never want to have to do. I guess I still haven’t answered my question. . . Why bother with human emotions?
-----Without love, without joy, without peace, without emotion: we would be nothing more than empty shells and thoughtless machines; however, there wouldn’t be any misery, we couldn’t feel pain, we wouldn’t hate, or go to war. Its human emotion that defines the greatness of God for it is only love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance that comes from Him and not hate, despair, war, intolerants, roughness, disbelief, or a lack of self control. God did not want to make us love Him rather He wants us to want to love Him and without human emotion that would be impossible. Although we would feel no pain, although every mistake in life we made would have no impact, and although every painful memory we may have hidden within would go away, life would have no meaning. Pain makes us bigger, better, faster, stronger, and love makes us the greatest things of all. To love even though there is pain, to live even though there is hate and stupid mistakes in this world, to laugh even though deep inside we are weeping makes us invincible.
-----I use to think that everything I wanted to have, to do, to give, and to say, never really benefited my life; that it all sort of meant nothing because I just couldn’t see beyond myself. Now I realize that the fruit I have produced in the last few years has not only impacted my life but also impacted the lives of others and produced fruit in them; thus, I have discovered much more purpose and meaning to life. May I conclude that human emotion is very important and that I would be lost without it. There just isn’t enough love in the world and sometimes too much pain I guess that causes me to wish away my feelings, but I must always remember that this isn’t paradise (that’s yet to come) and it is in our diverse trials that worketh patients so that one day we will be made perfect and entire wanting nothing.

John 15 12- 27

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants for the servant does not know what is master is doing; but I have called you friends for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that what you ask the Father in my mane he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: a servant is not greater than his master, if they persecuted me, they will also persecute you, if they kept my word, they will keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account on my name because they do not know him who sent me.